HealthscareGov

Sign up now by Mar. 31, 2014, before penalties apply!** (It's gonna cost you an arm, leg, and a kidney if you put this off, comprende!?)

NOTICE: As you may have heard we've got a lot of kinks to work out on our site and we apologize for the 'hiccups'. We promise to get this site back in working order as soon as possible. It's just sooo hard to get stuff done around here with all the people outside waving signs, constantly chanting, shouting and telling us to die. On top of all this hullaballoo our Chief I.T. officer has resigned *sigh*.

Welcome to the Marketplace!
Over 1 million* people have signed up already and we're waiting for you. (*This is an over-estimate and not an actual figure)

Health insurance is important. Your roof can collapse on you while you're sleeping. Your leg might get torn off by a bulldog. Your neighbor may run his lawnmower over your foot. Little Johnny might stab you in the thigh with his scissors. Or worse, he uses his arsenal of sharpened colored pencils to disfigure your face, in which case, you would need full facial reconstructive surgery. We can help you with all this.

Sometimes, you need to plan for the unexpected. Which is why you need a health plan.

For more info please visit our FAQ!

APPLY ONLINE
"This is going to be like shopping on Amazon or Travelocity!" - Obama
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CONTACT US:


You can reach our healthcare navigators/suicide prevention specialists live by phone at 1-800-555-1450 from 3-5 AM daily. Or, drop us an email & we'll get back to you shortly, by the time this site is fixed or next year, whichever is faster:

Email Us

PAPER APPLICATONS:


Due to popular demand we are now accepting paper applications! You can send your application and/or complaint(s) to:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington

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THIS IS A CYBER ATTACK. WE HAVE YOUR $OCIAL $ECURITY NUMBER. HAVE A NICE DAY! :)
GREETINGS FROM BULGARIA! WE HAVE EMPTIED YOUR BANK ACCOUNT$$$ GOODBYE!